Dozens of candles are burning at the Lapu-Lapu Day memorial, perfuming the drizzly morning. Hundreds more sit extinguished and holding small pools of Monday’s (April 28) rain.
Families place flowers and lean on one another when the tears come. A TransLink bus pulls up and the driver steps off, taking a shaky breath as they cross themselves.
A young woman’s hands tremble as she struggles to light a candle. An elderly man wearing a home-knit toque chews on his lips as tears freely flow down his cheeks, his shoulders slumped as if in defeat.
A young mother and her son step forward. She kneels to place a potted plant and he tosses a lilac down, scratching his nose as he looks to her as if to see if he did it right. He looks a similar age to one of the 11 victims recognized by the memorial.
They are all grieving in their own ways.
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On Saturday night (April 26), an East Vancouver resident drove an SUV through the Lapu-Lapu Day festival honouring a Filipino hero, killing 11 people and injuring 32. The youngest person killed was a five-year-old girl, and the oldest, a 65-year-old man.
How can we make sense of what happened?
We can let ourselves grieve, Kieran Fanning of the BC Bereavement Helpline told The Tyee.
It’s normal to feel grief after an event like this, especially if we feel a connection to those who died, Fanning said.
People grieve in many ways. They can feel sad or tired and not want to leave the house, or fuzzy-headed and unable to enjoy activities, he said. There are a lot of similarities with depression, although they’re distinct things.
But ultimately, every person will experience grief in a way that is unique to them, their loss and the situation, Fanning said.
Fanning said grief specialists Alan Wolfelt and David Kessler proposed three types of grief: intuitive, instrumental and dissonant.
Intuitive grievers will feel a lot of emotions and might feel comfortable crying or curling up in bed in the fetal position.
Instrumental grievers are more action-oriented and might feel more comfortable organizing a funeral or dealing with things that need to be done.
And dissonant grievers might feel conflicts between how they want to grieve and how they’re told to grieve, for example, being told to slow down and sit with your emotions or to get out of the house and live your life, Fanning said.
There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve, he said, just the way that feels best for you. He added it’s important to recognize people, even within a family, can all grieve differently.
In an email sent out to parents from the Ministry of Education, parents were encouraged to have age-appropriate conversations about the attack with their kids. Advice included acknowledging their kids’ feelings, listening to their child’s concerns and following the family’s normal routines.
Fanning offered similar advice.
Try to stick to your routine but be compassionate to yourself, he said. It can be a win just to get eight to nine hours of sleep, brush your teeth, eat meals, drink water and remember to shower.
“Reaching out and staying connected is also really, really key,” he said.
When supporting people experiencing grief, it’s good to be mindful of how the supporter and the griever might want different things.
Sending a note telling someone you’re thinking about them and they can reach out any time is better than asking someone to call you as soon as possible, he said. Try to avoid giving commands or tight time expectations.
It’s also a good idea to avoid talking about healing, recovery and resilience, because someone experiencing grief might not be ready to think about that, he said.
It can be a lifelong journey for someone to learn to integrate and carry their grief, so avoid rushing in with a quippy “Time heals all wounds,” Fanning said. He also recommended avoiding phrases like “At least they’re in a better place,” “They’re no longer in pain,” “Everything happens for a reason,” and “Be strong.”
Does that leave you feeling all out of options? That’s OK, Fanning said.
Telling someone you “don’t know what to say,” that you’re “so sorry and can’t imagine what they’re going through,” and that “you’re there to listen” or just to be with them are all great ways to offer support.
Give a person time. “Let them experience the unfairness and anger that is totally normal when losing someone,” he said, and let them talk about the person they lost. Sharing stories about a person can help keep them present for their loved ones, Fanning said.
And watch out for feelings of guilt — whether you’re feeling guilty for grieving or because you survived, or because someone has it worse.
Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychologist, wrote that suffering is like a gas that will fill any container and therefore comparing suffering is meaningless, Fanning said. Be mindful that how others are affected has nothing to do with how you might be affected.
If you or a loved one is so distraught that you or they might be a risk to yourself or others, it’s good to call in professional help, he said.
And if you’re thinking you might need extra help, reach out to free resources and talk to someone, Fanning said.
At the memorial, a man in a bright green vest, identifying himself as a Billy Graham Evangelistic Association of Canada chaplain, said he helps guide people’s questions towards “what” rather than “why” after great loss.
There aren’t always answers for “why” something happened, but there are answers for “What do I want to learn from this experience?” he said, which can encourage people to volunteer or engage with their community.
When we’re experiencing grief, the No. 1 recommendation is to reach out to friends, family, colleagues and community and to ask for support, in whatever way feels right for you, Fanning said.
Reach out to others with kindness and remember that everyone grieves differently. If taking action feels good, then volunteering, journaling or making art together or alone is a great idea.
Create something, connect with people around you and lean into whatever feels right for you, he added.
Free resources in BC:
The BC Bereavement Helpline at 604-738-9950
The BC Crisis Line at 310-6789
VictimLinkBC at 1-800-563-0808 (24/7 support in 240 languages)
